Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
