Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
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I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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