I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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