I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
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I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
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Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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