I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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