she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
