Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
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