we have pet lesbian snakes
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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