apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
sarcasm needs its own font
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Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
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HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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