I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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