woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
