Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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