His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
