shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
