its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
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My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
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My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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