just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
