My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
