They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
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Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
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That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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