You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Randomize
