Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
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You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
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I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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