Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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