What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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