all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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