Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
