Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Blood and glitter go together right?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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