I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
