I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
