i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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