just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
that is very illegal...i love you.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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