i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
