From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
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Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
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I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in