you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
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At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
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yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye