I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
