Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
