dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy