you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.