you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I don't deserve a penis
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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