Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
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If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
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Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?