Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys