So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
True but thats because hes a fetus.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
