she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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