Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
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I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
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I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize