Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
