You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
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I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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