i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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