She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
