Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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