I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
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she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I need moral support for this bender
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
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Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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