We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
