How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
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Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
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three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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