i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
