so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
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I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
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I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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